Rock, Paper, Scissors
by Phorcys
Summary: There are questions in slash that always arise and beg to be answered. This is my humourous attack on slash bad, good, it doesn't matter.


Rock, Paper, Scissors

ADULT CONTENT

I don't want this taken off the site because some one does not notice the warning. 

I have been reading too much slash when certain questions arise that just beg to be answerd. This is my humourous attack on slash bad, good, it doesn't matter. It doesn't need to be Draco and Harry here it could be any of the multiple sexual twister positions that Harry through slash and the active imagination on his fangirls produce. This is just the one I thought of first. Please tell me what you think, I would like to know if other people have ever wondered . . . . just where exactly is the prostate. 

This has not been beta'd all mistakes are my own. 

Disclaimer: I don't own any book, movie, musical, magazine, song, television show, that may be mentioned in this mockery of fanfiction. 

Just to clarify this totally.

D Draco

H Harry 

Draco Malfoy "So, do you think it's time?"

Harry Potter "Time for what, it's not tea time all ready?"

Draco "No. Get back on the bed, look we've been together for a while now."

Harry "Three months, seventeen days, four hours and twenty four minutes."

D "Well that's ages; for a hormone controlled teenager especially in a British public boarding school. And I was thinking, that we should be ready for the next step now."

H "What you want me to meet your parents, cause I think there may be problems with that."

D "No, just stop talking."

H "I thought you like it when I'm talking, something about my dirty mouth."

D "That's not what I'm trying to say, I think we should be fucking."

H "Fucking what ?"

D "No, no, look we're both randy sixteen year old boys, with the libido of rabbits we should be going like the clappers."

H "Why didn't you say, what do you think I've been trying to do for the past two months?"

D "I thought that was a nervous tick."

H "What the hell sort of nervous tick makes you do that."

D "An embarrassing one."

H "So, now what?"

D "What do we do now that we have decided to express the love that dared not speak it's name."

H "I didn't know you collected stamps."

D "What?"

H "Don't worry. I think I umm put my 'youknow' in your thingee."

D "Well that's helpful."

H" I don't hear you come up with anything more helpful."

D "If you want to know I was blessed with a very in-depth and visual education in the finer arts of human reproduction."

H" You saw your parents going for it didn't you?"

D "Why yes, . . . 'Hey' that is not the point. At least I can call my 'Little Salazar' by it's proper name."

H "Little Salazar"

D "Better than 'thingee'

H "So what I should call mine 'Little Godric'

D "Please don't. It makes me feel all dirty. Can you just imagine me telling you I have been penetrated by your Godric"

H "No not really but thanks for the thought. We aren't really going about this the right way are we."

D "I'm sure it's simple all we need to do is put my 'Penis' in your 'anus'

H "My 'anus'

D "Yes well your my bitch. You should get down on your knees and worship my thingee"

H "Says the boy that screams like a girlie girl when he comes."

D "Look I'm the butch one, your the girlie one. Everyone knows that."

H "They Bloody well don't. Who's the hero here?"

D "That has nothing to do with it."

H "It does so, I am not having your 'Little Salazar' put where the sun don't shine."

D "Well I'm not going play your helpless damsel."

H "Rock, Paper Scissors."

D "Fine."

D&H "One, Two, Three"

H "Rock, beats scissors I win."

D "You cheated"

H "See the crest, Gryffindor, we don't cheat."

D "You do so."

H "But it's not cheating if it's for a good cause."

D "I'm going to make you pay for that."

H "No stop tickling, stop it. Keep your thingee away from me"

D "Who's my bitch?"

H "You are, you are."

D "Right so I'm going to top."

H "No I won."

D "Fine, but next time."

H "Do you want me to do something else before . . . "

D 'Unless you've learnt to play the trumpet no."

H "Okay well I have this thing which may help us."

D "I hope it's different from your thingee."

H "Look I have this pamphlet and it says what we should do."

D "You I didn't expect you to need a manual. Though if any one needs a street map to find his own arse it would be you."

H "We can do this with out its help if you really want.'

D "Ahh no I think a helpful pamphlet will not be needed here tonight."

H "Fine, I was only trying to help."

D "Right now you need to put your fingers in my 'you know'."

H "See you can't say it either."

D "Lets just get on with this.Make sure they're covered in . . . jelly?

H "Why am I meant to insert a wobbly desert treat into your bottom? I drew the line at bananas remember"

D "Well it say's K.Y Jelly, and I don't seem to have some handy spell that just makes perfumed lubrication appear off the top of my head."

H "That would be niffy. But I think were going to have to make do with ummm how about the stuff I use on my broom?"

D "You know what they say, 'Save a broom, ride a quidditch player.'"

H "Sad, Draco, sad. What about your face cream. I know you use it every night before you go to bed."

D "I certainly do, it leaves my face so soft and fresh for the morning."

H "You are so Gay."

D "Your one to complain."

H "I never quiet understood how all this turned into pleasure for the recipient that is."

D "From what I have heard there is this button right in your . . .bum and when you press that you have an orgasm."

H "That sounds painful. Why couldn't it be somewhere else like you nose, or your elbow. That way you could be touching your elbow and no one would ever know. You could be on the bus touching your elbow, or in class touching your elbow. No one need ever know."

D "But it wouldn't half as much fun."

H "I suppose not."

D "Why don't I just to start us off."

H "What do you have in mind, and remember I said no to the last three things you suggested."

D "But I like chocolate pudding.'

H "Don't whine it makes you sound like Dobby."

D "Right, I'll just get started then."

H "Don't take that tone with me."

D "Now you sound like my mother."

H "Well if that will help."

D "Just be quiet and let me do my job."

H "Said the magician to his assistant."

D "Harry."

H "Yes Mum."

D "Right."

H "Hum hum hum hum hmmmhmmm."

D "Are you humming the theme to Bonanza."

H "Yes"

D "Well stop it."

H " Hmm hmm hmm hmmmm"

D "Is that Pink Panther."

H "Yes."

D 'Do you want me to stop and go play hide the thingee with Weasley."

H "Stop the mental torture. No, No I'll be quiet."

D "Good Boy."

H "Eeeehhhhhhh, ehhh, eeehhhhh sock, sock, sock, sock. Sock. SOCK."

D "What the hell was that?"

H "Well you wouldn't let me hum, so I thought the safest thing I could do was say some thing inoffensive."

D "Sometimes, I wonder the fate of the world rests of your shoulders, makes me want to join a muggle cult and never worry about magic again."

H "Right now do you think we can get on with it."

D "You just need to find this button, understand."

H "Does it have a name?"

D "Phosphate, potate, Primate something like that."

H "Good to know."

D " Harry it's not going to have a label, tacked to it."

H "It's not like I'm going to be using a torch down their."

D "Brings a whole new meaning to flaming bush."

H "Ha, right now give me a second to shift over."

D "Can't your sitting on the sheet."

H "Okay just take a jump to the left."

D "And a step to the right."

H "Now put your hands on your hips."

D "Should I bring my knees in tight."

H "I'm sure it's my pelvic thrust that will really drive you insane."

D " You know for some reason I feel like we've just been in a time warp.'

H "Sweet, now on with the show."

D "Now I think your meant to feel around down there."

H "What the instructions are written in Braille and tattooed on your arse."

D "I wish."

H " I was just thinking your bum, no matter how cute it is, is still your bum. It's going to be dirty."

D "I have you know I have three showers everyday, and always remember to loofah and use my

apricot scrub"

H "But, it's still your bum, you poop out of it."

D "Hah, Harry Potter just said poop, what are you five."

H "I am still not sticking a finger let alone anything else if it isn't clean."

D "Well can you think of anything."

H "How about Scourigfy."

D "You are not bloody using that on me and especially not on my dangly bits."

H "There is this spell I use in the mornings for brushing my teeth, do you think that will work."

D "The 'Dentis Scoria' just so you know your not using my toothbrush.

H "What? You'll smell minty fresh."

D "I'll have you know Malfoy's excrement always smells like roses."

H "Nice trick, I always knew you thought the sun shone from your own arse."

D "If you haven't got any other ideas I guess it will have to be 'Dentis'

H "Have at you 'Dentis'

D "Oww It tickles, stop it, stop it."

H "It has to be all shinny and clean."

D "Just wait until it's your turn."

H "I'm shaking in my boots, the boy with the minty bottom is threatening me."

D "Okay, I'm all clean now what?"

H "I guess, I umm actually I umm don't have much of a clue."

D "There was something that I heard about that I've been wanting to try called a butt plug."

H "Your just filled with surprises aren't you. A what plug?"

D "A butt plug."

H "How in Hell did anyone ever come up with that idea?"

D "I imagine it was between two consenting adults one of whom was very surprised."

H "Your joking right. I've seen bath plugs, sink plugs, ear plugs but I ain't never seen a butt plug. How does it work?"

D "Now you take this little plug and shove it up your ahh. . . "

H "Arse, you shove it up someone's' arse, weren't we talking about something else being shoved up

your arse earlier."

D "Yes, arse."

H "So do you have one?"

D " What an arse? "

H "Now who's looking for compliments?"

D "No I don't, well yes I do, but no, no I don't"

H "So why bring it up. What a tease!"

D "Now we're all ready."

H "Arn't we forgetting the most important thing."

D "No I have the chocolate pudding under the bed."

H "No protection."

D "What?"

H "Well no one ever mentions it, and I thought we should at least look like we care."

D "Like the Slytherine's say 'Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.'

H "Right. Something like that."

D "Don't be silly, protect your willy"

H "You've got the idea."

D "Can your spam then bam that man"

H "I think that's enough."

D "If you go into heat, package your meat"

H "Stop it."

D "If you think he's spunky, cover your monkey."

H " I said stop it."

D "Catch that goat before it bloats"

H "That's it shut the fuck up!"

D "Fine I was just trying to be helpful."

H "You've been quite helpful enough."

D "Why is this so hard?"

H "If it wasn't I'm sure you'd be more disappointed."

D "Ha, bloody Ha. Just why can't we be bonking like bunnies right now."

H "Don't get you thingee in a twist."

D "It's all right with you. You had your Sock."

H "And it was a good sock."

D "It's not fair."

H "That's nice."

D "Are you paying any attention to me."

H "Yes, maybe sleepy."

D "You are not falling asleep on me I am not having this conversation again."

H "murghf zzzzzzzzzzz."

D "But I wanted to have your thingee, you know bunnies. I was that close."

H "Murghtf"

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Authors Note

All the slogans are taken from National Condom Week


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